Remember to Exhale

find some release

On why I hated you calling me “Darling”

When I was a child I used to shout for my mother
“Mom, mom, mom!”
and she would say:
“that’s my name, don’t wear it out”

I knew you five minutes before the word
slid out your mouth so easily
and I am sure, on the many women before me
(and probably during me)
Darling had the same smooth sensation of
a shot of amarula
sweet and heady and deliciously quick

I knew then that you were full of
Darlings and Honeys and Babes
and used them over and over
like weapons to quicken love’s bottom line
it felt like a slimy lie

that’s why I called it patronizing
because you were only offering a cheap imitation
of the real thing
even though my hand felt expensive in yours

and I can’t lie and say that
I never wanted you to call me Darling
but I wanted you to mean it
and obviously you were just okay
with cheap imitations

my hand is the most expensive
you will ever hold
and those words are not synonyms for my name
stop wearing them out
before you’ve earned them


I write poetry like it’s a vice

only comes when another you arrives
like hot rods on my skin
the burn lingers long after you’ve gone

And I still can’t comprehend
how I could fall so easily
for an ugly truth
because I always dreamed of falling
for a beautiful reality

You smiled like you were sin himself
and your touch was a death
I died a thousand times over
from your hot rod fingers

And still
I would gladly die by your hands
if I could feel the burn of you once more


I dreamed of professional dancers and tunnels and my old bedroom in my old house and once again being close to my best friend. I dreamed of an old man having a tea party for his birthday in an 18th century house. I dreamed of creaking wooden floors- the kind where you can feel the hollowness just beyond it, carved wooden bird cages sat next to antique briefcases. Wary footsteps and foreboding evil and tea that never arrived and cups too fragile to hold, with my pinky finger entwined with my childhood best friends’. Everything felt familiar, but nothing felt completely right. I dreamed that I took too long and I didn’t work hard enough and I missed opportunities and grabbed others too quickly. A peek in passing of window to a garden, the grass very fine and a little too dry. I never quite got to the garden try as I may. Everything was too something and nothing was just as it should’ve been.

I had been drowning so long I only realised that I was dying when I woke up and my whole body refused to co-operate. There is nothing like you, there is nothing like your perfect grace and your perfect peace and your perfect will and I only want you and I don’t want to wade around without you I just want you and I don’t care about anything else because you hold my life in your hands, you are the very air I breathe and you told me to “Be strong and of good courage” because you were always there always always there even when I left and didn’t care and I feel peace because I know this I knew it I have always known it I just needed time to come back to you. I am so done with cheap selfish versions of your love that is immeasurable.

A love letter

Dearest love of mine,

It has come to my attention that no matter how deeply I love you for any amount of time, you will never feel the same way. I will not ask questions such as “why” or “what is wrong with me”. I have come to the rather sad conclusion that perhaps you were my “one” but I wasn’t your “one”.

I would like nothing more than to be the comfort in your sadness, the reason you smile, the hand you always reach for, the sweetest kiss you long for day and night. I would like nothing more than for you to be in all of my tomorrows, the safe place in my darkest of nights and the last hand I’ll ever hold.

It is a curious thing that when I am with you I feel as if the whole world is right and I wish it would last forever. Sometimes I can’t look you in the eye because I am afraid you will see how pathetically in love with you I am, and following that I will lose you altogether; of which I am terribly afraid of.

So I have decided to take action of my own and start erasing you from my life. I needn’t explain why, you probably will not notice anyway, but know that I have loved you in secret and if you were Helen of Troy I would’ve started that war for you. With that I bid you goodbye, in the hope that someday I find one that might love me fiercely too.

Yours in love

Haiku #151

Keep on walking tall
the way you started please it
helps me carry on

haiku #150

The same way that I
loved you when I met you
is how it will end