It’s always rather curious to find yourself in the position of “the other side”.
I’ve always had a little bit that I kept to myself because its safe, that’s where I can protect it and only throwing myself headfirst into things I know won’t and can’t last forever. My comfort is in the fact that that things won’t last.
I enjoy going “home” and disappearing for a while, not much contact and then coming back and reappearing for a while, leaving “home” behind. Almost a real-life game of peek-a-boo. Not really ever completely belonging to any place or person completely.
Yesterday I made myself a smoothie and forced myself to finish it even though I’m not a big morning eater because I knew that there were no more banana’s because I had eaten all of them and blueberries- I almost single-handedly finished a punnet.
A few days ago I nearly stole a cup from the school foodcourt as a souvenir. I enjoy looking at the way that the last of the sun’s light spills over the empty bench as I walk out of campus in the evenings because I know in a few months I might not even remember it. I like big windows. They make me feel like I can do the impossible- be in two places at once.
The thing about knowing that your future is oh so uncertain gives you the freedom of being flighty with your affections, the excuse to not get too attached. It gives you the freedom to love and hurt simultaneously. “I love you, but I love home more”
While I have said for sometime that all I need is someone that will stay. Someone that will take the journeys with me it has also occurred to me I have never said that I want to stay, that I want to go the distance with someone.
So as I find myself swerved to “the other side” I don’t know how ready I am for that position of steady, strong, secure when I have spent most of my time being sure of the unsure allowing myself endless possibilities within the impossibilities. I love big windows because they make me feel like I can be in two places at one time.