journal space. (sometimes writing helps me to figure things out)

by remembertoexhale

It is true that in the same breath I can say “The heart wants what the heart wants” and also “People will do anything to distract their heart”. I used to think that there was some hypocrisy in believing those two statements, but i guess when I actually put them together in my mind I came to the very obvious realisation that the one spurs the other on. It is however true. Initially I thought about writing a poem on this sentiment, maybe I still will, but in order to do that effectively I need to distance myself from the emotion.

I sewed myself a dress yesterday and today. I used an old t-shirt as the basis for my pattern, and then worked around it. I made this dress because I am almost obsessed with clothes and fashion. (I am currently studying interior design) Maybe not so much fashion, but also predicting what the next trend would be. I am a very careful shopper, I don’t just buy anything I see, I think and think and think and think about how I want to portray myself and if the item is only a passing trend. It got to the point where I was predicting so much and had all these ideas that buying and wearing it was not enough anymore. I wanted to have the idea and put it into practice and wear it myself when I wanted to and not when H&M gets something similar in-store a year later. I also dabble and tinker with a lot of different things and obviously the reason I am doing a design course is because I loved art and creating, and the pursuit of creating something beautiful. 

The problem is that I continuously dabble and tinker and I struggle when I sit still. It gives me too much time to think and when I’m on holiday it is really bad most of the time because I might become partially depressed because I end up questioning everything, including my future and where I’m headed. I actually nearly got a panic attack once.

Anyway back to the clothes, I made a label for this dress and I sewed “WASTED” on it. It wasn’t “wasted” in the drunk sense, but “wasted” in a more frustrated sense. Wasted youth, wasted time, wasted money, wasted potential. I tinker so much that I hardly ever develop something to its fullest potential. Wasted love. I guess I feel like there is so much in my life that has been wasted away without seizing it and taking the opportunity, and I guess I feel like making this dress was a release, finally doing something I was too scared to do for fear of failure.

So while this dress is helping to reach some of that potential. It is also one of the many things I am tinkering with to distract my heart. When I had that summer romance I was so relaxed, I wasn’t frantically going places or trying new things, tinkering, it felt as if everything was alright. I felt content. So now, making this dress has taught me that while it is tinkering, it hits the nail on the head and is helping me to deal . Its time to fall out of love with that person who will not love me back, because it will all just be wasted. I am done with wasting.