More Than a First Impression

by remembertoexhale

I want to 
slash these curves that make it hard to pull my jeans up
slice away the fat under my butt
that will undoubtedly turn into fully fledged cellulite by the time
I am twenty- five if I’m not careful
shouldn’t I have grown out of zits by now?
I want to throw away all my make-up
because I don’t want it to be the only time I feel pretty 
I want to hate clothes
so that I won’t be worried about looking the best I can in them
I want to slice away the fat on my upper arms
and the little bump of the bottom of my stomach
that stays no matter how many fucking ab exercises I do
and meals I skip
and my inner thighs
that aren’t as firm as they used to be
and why and how did my back get so fat?
why is it that I can only say
that I like it when my collar bones and hip bones and
abs are distinct enough so you can see lines and shadows
why is it
that my favourite parts of my body are the smallest-
my wrists and ankles and the beauty spot on my left boob
and in between my collar bones
have I just looked in the mirror too long?
Is it because I spent my teenage years in a country
in a class full of girls younger and much tinier than I?
and why is it that as soon as I get to a weight I want
my boobs and butt seem to go on holiday
and my face looks like death?
why is it that the only time I truly love my body
is when I am tired out of my mind
from working it out
why is it that its hard to look past the mirror
and fix the other things I don’t like that mean more than genetics
this body was given to me
how dare I burn it
how dare I hate something so much
that means nothing more than a first impression