Hope finished and found itself again

by remembertoexhale

And yet after all this time
I still have hope
like a tiny flower pushing through the hard soil
growing between the cracks
in the rocks of my soul
struggling for air, reaching for water
trying to make its membranes partially permeable
petals chasing the sun
and I am kind to call myself a flower
maybe a more accurate description would be a weed
because weeds
grow where planted
and they don’t always end up
with pretty flowers to disguise the fact that
they need the help of others to exist
I’ve always been the sort of person who has strong opinions
in a loud voice
but time and change made me shut it inside
so that no one even knew what I was thinking
until one day in the high school canteen
they all saw silent tears streaming down my face
like rivers
with the gushing speed of waterfalls
and then I locked in the salty tears
like oceans heavy, and torrid, filling me up inside
hardly leaving any room for any other feeling
I used to write pretty phrases in notebooks
but they were fake
because all I felt was the salty ocean building up inside
that sometimes leaked out at night
when the blankets promised to swallow them all
but they couldn’t
and so I began to run
and the oceans started leaking from my pores
and left me with
endorphins to see me through the next day
taking me into wins
carrying me through loss
and into loss
teaching me to run out my problems
or was it
run away?
and then I began to weigh them
three times a day
morning
after eating
after using the bathroom
after a run
that is more than three times
am I forgetting?
I started forgetting
who I was
I started forgetting
to eat
and I had to be told
“You are beautiful”
in a song sung by Christina Aguilera
Christina Aguilera?
tens of times over and over where my mantra became
“no matter what they say” “in every single way”  “you are beautiful”
before I started to stop punishing myself
and I knew that I had to stop being what other people wanted
and slowly I started to learn myself again. 

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