Remember to Exhale

find some release

If I think back on the times it didn’t work out, I realise I’ve always been second best. James’s favourite to text while his long distance girlfriend was gone. Brendon was all best friends straddling the line of what was appropriate behaviour and what was lunacy in between girlfriends. Kai was all guitars and warm hands and music love making while I would sing sweet delicious unrequited love songs while he forgot I existed when I wasn’t needed for a gig. Giacomo was the Italian who was running away, unsure of what to do with his heart when someone ripped it from his chest but found a place to put it temporarily when we skated and ran around barefoot on the beach in between surf sessions our fingers entwined almost as tightly as our legs. Jordan was the one who wanted me to fall but when I was ready to let myself didn’t really know what he was supposed to do with his hands despite being a cricket wicket keeper, and instead of being ready to catch me grabbed back for the past.

Swerve

It’s always rather curious to find yourself in the position of “the other side”.

I’ve always had a little bit that I kept to myself because its safe, that’s where I can protect it and only throwing myself headfirst into things I know won’t and can’t last forever. My comfort is in the fact that that things won’t last.

I enjoy going “home” and disappearing for a while, not much contact and then coming back and reappearing for a while, leaving “home” behind. Almost a real-life game of peek-a-boo. Not really ever completely belonging to any place or person completely.

Yesterday I made myself a smoothie and forced myself to finish it even though I’m not a big morning eater because I knew that there were no more banana’s because I had eaten all of them and blueberries- I almost single-handedly finished a punnet.

A few days ago I nearly stole a cup from the school foodcourt as a souvenir. I enjoy looking at the way that the last of the sun’s light spills over the empty bench as I walk out of campus in the evenings because I know in a few months I might not even remember it. I like big windows. They make me feel like I can do the impossible- be in two places at once.

The thing about knowing that your future is oh so uncertain gives you the freedom of being flighty with your affections, the excuse to not get too attached. It gives you the freedom to love and hurt simultaneously. “I love you, but I love home more”

While I have said for sometime that all I need is someone that will stay. Someone that will take the journeys with me it has also occurred to me I have never said that I want to stay, that I want to go the distance with someone.

So as I find myself swerved to “the other side” I don’t know how ready I am for that position of steady, strong, secure when I have spent most of my time being sure of the unsure allowing myself endless possibilities within the impossibilities. I love big windows because they make me feel like I can be in two places at one time.

Weekdays

You make mornings a little brighter
nights less quiet
and I like my face in the nook of your head and shoulder
and I like that I don’t have to write about you to make sure you’re real
no more penning down ghosts
you’re as bright as Friday night lights and as real as a Wednesday afternoon
running through my Saturdays
the laughs on a Thursday evening
You’re as comfortable as a jersey on a Monday morning
As sweet as Sunday’s tea
and I would like Tuesday’s toast with a little morning glow and a lot of you.

slowly letting you take over
filling my mind as as I fall asleep
drenching me as I wake up

some secrets are better kept until you know for sure they are true

next

I just need some time
I am shedding you like baby teeth
just a few more to go
losing you doesn’t hurt as much as it did

all I wanted was your love

breathing deeply
I can feel you watch me as I enter the room
I can feel your eyes on me
when I mention the word “love”

I didn’t hit you in the gut
you never let me feel you anyway
the nights come and they aren’t so long anymore

twist and fit
you’re as unsatisfying as cold french fries
and I want hot chocolate on a rainy day

I just need some time
I am shedding you like baby teeth
just a few more to go
losing you doesn’t hurt as much as it did

all I wanted was your love

next one fall, fall, fall, fall harder
break them loose ahead of time

Hold me

the edges of my heart fold and crumble
they tear at the seams
the words are always at the tip of my tongue
they almost flutter out of my mouth
the vessel that releases the contents of my heart
and I want them to flutter out accidentally
I want them to escape
I want to accidentally kiss you
accidentally kiss your jawline
or lay my had on your chest
do it by mistake
draw back
and run away
and in my mind you might be confused
and you might never talk to me
or when I inevitably apologise
you might pull me towards you
and in your arms I will stay
darling I will never leave your arms
if you just hold me

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