Remember to Exhale

find some release

Always and Forever

I want to feel that ache in my bones when a hear a name
I want to feel fingers slide down my shoulders
linger on my bra-straps a silent question I do not answer
I want to feel a large hand grab mine and pull it
with the urgency of wanting to show me the world and
have us both see it through new eyes
I want to feel my insides knot when his peer into mine
I want to love with my whole heart
say “always”
and have him say
“forever”

journal

these last few weeks have been so rough and I am barely coping, keeping up and today I was struggling to submit an assignment and a friend saw me and described me as “some poor girl trembling so hard she cannot even push print” so she pushed me aside and did it for me. If it weren’t for her I probably would have a non submission right now.. not that my submission was complete anyway but whatever. I guess I don’t know where else to put this or who to talk to that will even care or understand but I am struggling so hard. I don’t even know. jut one more submission until the holidays. This is the hardest its ever been for me and I feel so lonely and afraid that I fail the year and I feel like I have been pushing and forcing myself forward for years and years without a rest or a chance to really think about what I want. This is totally not the right time for it to all culminate but I guess here it is and here I am and ah, no one sees or cares at all and I don’t know if I have any grit left to pull myself out.

Lonely. a journal entry

I just spent my whole night getting lost, and not even the good kind of lost. It started that a friend was playing a gig at a bar I had never been to before. I was super keen to go at first but as I went through texting and texting and texting for people to go with me no one could go and my enthusiasm started to wane and feelings of loneliness set in I usually trust my gut and have a good instinct for this kind of thing and try to push it away, but tonight was off my game. Actually the entire day I have been off my game, but thats besides the point. I found myself in Eunos on a street with a very similar name, but no bar. The thing about going out by yourself when you are alone or feeling lonely, is that instead of it being something enjoyable or reflective, it becomes one of those nights where you feel more lonely than ever and feel like the entire world is cut off from you. What sucked was that the very reason I was going out in the first place was to not sit at home alone and I ended up being alone for hours. It was the biggest waste of time and I didn’t even get to my destination before I had to turn around and go home because I had class the next day. I hate feeling lonely. It sucks. maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself or maybe I just hate myself or maybe I just need to have someone to share my time with. I guess what I learnt tonight is that being lonely doesn’t mean you don’t know yourself or you’re weak. It just means that you can’t always be by yourself. I guess I have become a pretty self assured self-sufficient person, but sometimes that makes me feel like I don’t need anyone, but i guess I proved myself wrong because here I am sitting on my bedroom floor talking about how lonely I feel and how I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

Lonely for you only

Usually I would be happy or at least semi-happy to “like” your shit on whatever website to help you further your chances in whatever stupid competition you are in but tonight I am jaded and unimpressed and I will not do anything that I do not want to for someone I have had a total of three boring conversations with and all I want is a little fresh air to breathe and a little part of my dreams to come true maybe, a hand to hold or a finger or two but the thing I will not do is pretend I am not in love with you. Baby I am lonely, lonely for you only and I know that the world is bright and better than I can imagine but right now it feels as though all the dark clouds conspired and congregated above my head and so now I’m in black head to toe and I tried to take the edge off by removing my nose ring but the edge shifted lower and settled in my heart and every face I see resembles yours, you’re on every corner, every moment, every street sign, every bus stop and I can’t get rid of the sensation that every place I go to you were just there and just left and I missed you and you didn’t care at all and all I want is you to hold you and to have you

Almost but not quite

My dream was filled with a soft image of you shrouded in a cloudy light and your beaming smile, our heads touching, our fingers brushing, almost, but not quite, a natural progression of increased brushing, slight touches and shoulder rubs and arm squeezes, until my head fell to your chest, where it felt like home briefly, until I wondered what the hell I was doing making a home in a place that isn’t mine to make.

introductions

He was kind of like the beginning of a story, you know that feeling when you open a book and you drink in every word like a cold glass of water on a hot day, everything you need to begin again. Except every time I saw him I got that same feeling and I never wanted the book to end. I think the problem was that I thought the book ended once the glass of water was finished and hot days need more than a single glass of water, and that made me kiss him like I was drowning and he was air.

Introduction (let me know if I should continue this story)

There are many nicer sounding ways to say overweight for example; rotund, or curvaceous, slightly on the heavier side, or even voluptuous. The truth is; this guy was just fat, and standing two feet away from me he smelled of sweat and urine. Sweat that had dried and re-sweated a number of times over the course of the day or days. Brown t-shirt with stains on his protruding tummy. He was the sort of person my mother might call an unsavoury character… and yet he had the soft eyes of a honey bear.

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